Family, Friends and Summer Snow,
This week was life changing. We didn't see any miracles, nobody has gotten baptized, and no new investigators to fill you in on. What happened that was so life changing is actually super selfish, because it was things that I learned and revelation that I have received after 9 months of struggling. I will spare details, but this Wednesday we had interviews with the mission president. Those of you who know me very well know how hard of a time I have with the whole "love yourself" aspect of life. Ever sense I stepped onto the transfer van my first full day on being in the field back in Feb., this darkness had come into my life. Dang, that just sounded super sketch.... More like I felt sooo much dislike for myself and had feelings of inadequacy and stress than I have ever felt before in my life. I kept thinking that I was unworthy to be here. I talked to my trainer about this feeling and she told me that she went through these same things when she first got out into the field as well. She asked me if I felt the spirit working through me. OH YES. Never before had I felt such powerful love for people. Never before had I had thoughts come into my mind, and felt the spirit tell me concerns of people, and never before had I been able to so easily recognize this still small voice. I knew I had the Holy Ghost with me. I was at peace. But these feelings crept back in. I couldn't shake them off. These past couple of weeks they were the worst they have ever been. I was convinced I was a horrible person and that I needed to go home. I was convinced I was unsuccessful and wasting my time. Weellllll I did not hesitate to bring this up to President Baker. I told him everything I was feeling. Everything. He smiled at me and told me that Jesus Christ forgave me of my mistakes a long time ago and that I needed to learn to forgive myself. He promised me that I was worthy. He taught me a lot about how the process of sanctification and becoming purified works. The closer we get to Christ, the more we realize our imperfections. Satan tries to use this against us and make us think the we haven't repented completely, or that we will never be as good as we want to be. He promised me that I was a powerful missionary and told me many times that he commended me and that he wanted to take me around the mission to teach with him. Hahha, of course I just laughed awkwardly and didn't believe him. But the second I walked out of that interview with President Baker, those doubts were gone. Completely. I don't know why exactly I had to talk to him about it, I don't know why I have been letting Satan tell me I am not good enough, but that 30 minute interview changed my life entirely. I didn't realize how much it affected me until Thursday night hit.
I came down with a plague. I was up all night throwing up and such. It was horrible, worse than Lake Powell plagues! I had a lot of time to ponder what Pres Baker talked to me about. As I was praying and pondering, the Holy Ghost began to teach me a lesson that I needed to learn a long time ago.
It went something like this:
We need to stop being so hard on ourselves. When we bag on ourselves, Satan rejoices. We are hindering our progression. I have spent far to much time and energy criticizing myself and analyzing every little thing that is wrong with me, instead of focusing on and being grateful for the gifts, talents, and blessings that I do have. So what if I'm not the smartest, prettiest, funniest. I am everything to God. Its time that we start seeing our divine potential, and not just seeing it but believing it. So stop being so hard on yourself. Stop hindering your progression. You have weaknesses? Good. That means you are human. Now turn them to God and with Him, they will become strengths.
This moment of divine rebuking was so loving. I was in tears as I sat alone in the living room. I felt so powerfully the love Heavenly Father has for not only me but for all of his children. I felt that he was proud of me. That he was with me this whole time, I just needed to get out of my dark cloud and reach up to Jesus Christ.
I know now, more powerfully than ever before that God is our loving Heavenly Father. That the gospel was given to us to learn how to come back to live with him again.
I have not had any more depressing thoughts, desires to quit, or even thoughts about the mistakes I made. They are completely washed away. I know that repentance is real. It is a gift. I am grateful for the chance and miracle it is to repent every single day! And the opportunity I have to call others to repentance!
Speaking of which... we had an awesome lesson with our frat boy K about the law of chastity. It was one of the most powerful lessons I have ever been in!
Also, L is really struggling right now. He didn't make his date and Sister Hymas and I are really bummed about it. He has a lot of doubts that he won't talk with us about, so we are relying completely on God to get L the strength he needs to starve his doubts.
I am grateful to be a missionary. I am grateful that after 20 years of low self-confidence, with the help of my savior, my biggest weakness is finally becoming a strength.
Have an amazing week!!
PS: We got yelled at by a woman that looked like Paula Dean. It was fun.
|Road kill at our front door|
|ward member made these Moccasins for me|
|Chelsea enjoying view from Kittyhawk Memorial|
|Elders at Kittyhawk|